I wish you could hear my soundtrack

I think you would understand me better if you could come live in my world for a day or two. I would have much to sing and say to you through song and dance. Some people think I am not listening to them (like my parents) and think they have to talk louder and louder and stomp their foot or clap their hand (like my dad) for me to get my attention. If they only understood I am listening to the beautiful music surrounding me. My world is special. It is an ethereal place where I never have to frown or cry. Come join me but remember you too must dress up for the occasion. There's no jeans here. I love you.

--Emily

Why I deplore chapstick on my lips.

          Sarah here. I am excited about us kiddies blog here. I would like to use ALL CAPS to write as I usually yell everything I say, but I shall resist that urge.

          My point in speaking today is that I would like to officially protest larger people (like parents and babysitters) to coming up to me, locking my head, and wiping a dry irritating cloth on my face while in the process of pinching my nose...again...and again...and again.

          Besides being highly invasive, you are stealing my natural chapstick.
          You see this desert is very dry, especially in winter...imagine that. During this time my skin becomes very chapped and dry, especially my lips and cheeks. I have been fortunate enough every winter, all season long, to have a natural chapstick cover my lips and cheeks that prevents my skin from drying out...haven't you ever seen pigs and elephants use mud to keep their skin moisturized? These secretions work beautifully.
          Well this is the case for me. Here I have this beautiful lubricant and moisturizer being secreted from my nares and people just keep coming up to me and wiping it away. Why? Make your own and stop stealing mine.
          Another beautiful thing is that when my mom or dad pick me up and their shirts steal all my natural chapstick, my nose quickly will give more to ensure my soft baby skin.
          I deplore the idea of store-bought, synthetic chapstick being put on your lips. Why else would they put those fruity and camphor-flavored morsels of goodness in nice little tubes perfect for my handsize. It is a buttery candy-bar so if you want me to use it, great keep giving them to me, but don't you go stipulating how I use them. Those are for eating--do you wipe butter or bacon fat all over your lips just to make them not dry out? Of course not so let my body take care of itself and stop being a secretion pirate.  --Sarah

For all you kids out there...this is how its done.

 

Hello. My name is Derek and I am going to teach you how to shoot a rifle...or .22LR in this case.  

 

 

2.  Now bring the firearm up close to your body...yes still keep the gun unchambered (unless you are in war or defending your home).

 

3.  Now check behind you to ensure no idiot is going to run out in front of you get a bleeding hole placed in the side of their head...it happens. Smile still.

       

4. It is now appropriate AND safe to chamber a round.

5. Aim at your target with your head and hands placed appropriately (or perfectly as I do) and pull the trigger to FIRE!   (It would be important to note that if you have longer arms, you can place the butt of the gun against your anterior shoulder rather than in your armpit like I have to.)

6. And that's it folks. That is how its done. So for all you kids out there make sure your parents instruct you in this manner as I have been (and have the welts to prove it.) It is now wise to give the gun back to the adult unless you are going to repeat the steps (as my gun has a 10 round magazine.)

Key Points:

(a)   Always check behind your target before you start shooting at it. You may damage some valuable minerals or fruit trees.

(b)   Never shoot people unless they are (1) trying to hurt you or someone you love, (2) an intruder in your home regardless of their intention, or (3) coming to deny your constitutional right to keep and bear arms.

(c)   Only use hollow-points on people and pests (sometimes these are the same thing.) If you use them on animals for meat or targets you are making hamburger of your meat and wasting money, respectively.

(d)   If you do find yourself in the above (b or c), two taps to the center of gravity (their chest) and a final tap to their forehead (this is what my dad tells me the concealed-carry instructor/cops teach you to do.)

(e)   Again if you find yourself in the above (b) and have to resort to (d) as soon as someone in (b) steps within 20-ft of you, peform (d)...quickly. Repeat as necessary until (b) no longer is a threat.
(f)   Be safe, safe, safe...regardless of what you are doing.

                       --Derek

 

If you find me...kill me

Do you know what this is? Of course you do although my dad and I had to look it up. I found it outside while I was investigating chlorophyll discrepancies amongst our dicotyledons.  It is a "Brown Marmorated Stink Bug." It is a pest from Asia and the nuts on the East and West coast inadvertently brought it in years ago so the story goes. Anyway, it is a pest to a large variety of fruit-bearing trees and plants and leaves circular damaged areas on the leaves. So once we realized this and my dad thought of the sizable portion of fruit that he loses each year and the torment his trees take when not in season (because of this hell-hole sun-infested place we live in), he told me to kill it. However I decided it was best to keep it and so brought in an old 35 mm film container my dad gave me and we placed it in there with a drop of benzene. This way we can let it suffocate and preserve it in there for future days when we want to remember what exactly it looks like in our future pursuits to kill its relations.

So if you see them in your yard take them out too. But don't use benzene unless you want to dissolve whatever they are sitting on or are just plain mean like my cold-hearted dad. Smash them with your finger, but then wash it because they have a strange smell that reminds me of smells that lingered around me when I was a kid. 

--Derek